Week 3: Approaches to Relationships-My Embarassingly Submissive Behavior

Submissive behavior, as defined by Robert Bolton in his book People Skills, involves people who "do not express their honest feelings, needs, values, and concerns" (Bolton 123).  After reading this chapter I have discovered that I embody a lot of these submissive qualities.  Before reading Bolton, I would have told you that I can be assertive, but now that I think about it more I feel that my normal reactions to situations, situations involving a violation of my "personal space", is really not assertive at all. 

Let's use my new roommate situation as an example.  I have recently allowed my boyfriend, who is unemployed, to move in with me.  I work hard every day, whether it be at my job or for school, and sometimes the things he does make it hard for me to concentrate.  Right now, for example, as I write this blog post he is in the other room playing his electric guitar and listening to loud music knowing full well that I am working on homework.  Sometimes I ask him to put on headphones but, in order to make him feel comfortable in my home, I never really say anything at all.  This makes me really resent the fact that he is here sometimes.  Instead of being assertive, I allow him to do what he wants and end up feeling angered even though I could very easily avoid these emotions by talking to him.  So, in effect, sometimes my submissive behavior turns into aggressive behavior.  Instead of calmly talking to him about keeping the noise down I allow him to be as noisy as he wants and, eventually, I blow up at him for not respecting my need to have a quiet house while I work.

I recognize this example as a red flag that I really need to work on my skills at impacting.  I need to find better, more constructive ways to meet my needs.  I need to stand up for myself more.  I also realize that I have used these submissive techniques in other areas of my life.  At work, for example, there have been times when I have been accused of doing things wrong when I knew very well that I was doing my job correctly.  This has lead to feelings of resentment and anger as well.  Instead of correcting the person criticising me, I allowed them to believe that the tasks in question were, indeed, not handled correctly.  I should have stood up for myself and explained myself better.  Being more assertive at my job would really help me in the long run.

I am still working on being able to relate to people while still practicing assertive behavior.  This class is really pointing out how I need to change many things about my behavior when relating and talking to other people.  I hope that, over the course of the semester, that I am able to recognize and change many of the things that I have been doing wrong.  I really want to improve myself and, hopefully, this class will show me how.